30th November 2014

The feeling of no love, no bestfriends, no success.
The feelings of loss but you can't. The feelings of trying for mum and dad.
More than one time I ask why mum and dad could live without their friends, and the answer always seemed so true, they got each other.
How could I live without a soulmate?
I have none. Neither friends nor lover.
I have none. Neither time for my self nor time for friends.
Time I have, is just enough to finish all the stuffs - apply - alone.
Well, that's it.
I remembered the time when I was playing puzzles. When it was, actually, funnier than everything I had now. Dealing with the puzzles of my life... the feeling was not that good.
At least, when I was young, puzzle had clues, always. See, you can start wherever you wanted with the puzzles. But I often started inside-out. I saw meticulously on the picture, then try to find some pieces that fitted perfectly with each others. Then I would refer to the picture once again...
That way always worked with simple puzzles. The best way to understand a set of puzzle actually is to go from the center and then, fill out with some details just to make it more fascinating.
But then, I had to deal with the more difficult one, with 1000 pieces. Then the same old method didn't work. But never mind, I still have the margins. Sure. Starting with the margins and then filling in with the rests. This way still worked, but after I finished, I had to look closely to see how beautiful the things were. See, I ofter forgot what I am doing if I finished them from the superficiality to the insight.
But I still reached the goal, in time.
Well, I also realised that with the more difficult work in limited time, there would be no time left to think emotionally about what you truly wanted right now. Everything you did was the only thing to ... finish.
Now, the puzzles of life have no clues from the start, with seemingly unlimited time, but never enough to wait for some miracles. You have to start from the unidentified points, no picture to refer, no margin to start if you suddenly lost your current way.
Now, I recounted the time I was fed up with playing puzzles. What did I do? I saved the about-to-be-done work under the bed, with the rest in container. No specific thing happened, I could still play it whenever I wanted, or give it to friends (but usually don't have friends who want something like that). What did I feel? Nothing. Just fed up and give up.
However, I was always bold enough to come back to the work, finish it, picture it, and break it into original little pieces just to carefully store it. Then I would feel a little proud of what I "tried my best" to finish, only to break it into pieces later.
Now, life-puzzles. No time to rest. No chance to store it for later solving. No friends to give. Just push myself to solve the unclear things...
Hey but I always assure myself that, if I "try my best" to solve it, I will never have to break it into original states to store. Because once I live my life, no need to store it.